Hi.

I am having a hard time finding time to write the past few days. Very busy and tough days at work lately. But! Brad and Rod are here and went to dinner last night and had my brain recharged!

Ernesto is a non-event. You can read my weather blog if you really feel that you want to read about non-events.

Owchhh

My neck STILL hurts. Have meetings all morning and lovely dinner with Brad and Rod this evening.

woe is me.

No word on if we're going to be at work tomorrow with Ernesto coming. There's been some movement east on it so who knows.

A real nail biter

Ech, I've bitten my nails again. Very upsetting.

Not much to say today, I'm tired and my neck hurts terribly.

Indulge Me

Norrington: One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness.
Captain Jack Sparrow: Though it seems enough to condemn him.

Who says there is nothing to be learned from a movie based on a Disney ride?

Adieu Carson Pirie Scott

In yet another piece of sad news for the City of Chicago, Carson Pirie Scott, aka "Carson's", is closing its downtown State Street store. I have mixed feelings about this - I'm more irritated with the sale and branding transition of Marshall Field's to Macy's.

While I have a lot of memories of Carson's as a child, in fact more so than I do of Marshall Field's (it was too expensive for us I think). The primary reason for this was that my mother was a contractor for KLM Airlines who had a small travel centre/booking office (back in ye olde days of paper handwritten ticketing!) in the lower level of the huge multi-story department store. My mother would take my sister and I downtown about once a week, dressed up in our painful Thai silk dresses and stiff white tights. We'd head to lower level of Carsons and sit quietly next to the huge wooden Dutch shoe sitting next to the model KLM Royal Dutch Airline 747, freakishly out of scale compared to the shoe.

My mother's friend at the agency, Lucia, always had an 8 x 11 manila envelope loaded with candy. She'd pull it out of the metal drawer of her desk and hold the envelope open so we can pick whatever we wanted. It was usually hard candy but if we were lucky, some Starbursts. My mother would let us have one piece and it made my day. I even remember the day she had bubble gum and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Then there was the time I took a root beer candy thinking it was grape and I was chastised for being an ingrateful child because I spit it out.

Anyway, I always loved going and getting lunch there too (they had this great macaroni and cheese gratin). Then we'd walk back to the train and ride back home - it was always a very special day when we did that and I never am on the lower level of Carsons where I don't see the rise in steps to that mark where the walkway to the KLM office was.

As I got older - in my late teens and early twenties - I shopped quite often (and ran into enormous debt) in their juniors department. I bought my first Coach purse there, my first over $100 watch and more perfume, make up, stockings (they had a GREAT stocking department), scarves, hats and gloves than any other store. I also bought most of my Chicago Bulls championship gear there as well (7 times!). But as the years endured, Carsons got dumpy and the store was always dimly lit and depressing. I stopped going since the experience of shopping at Field's was so much more pleasant that I didn't mind paying a few percent more. I don't think I've bought anything at Carson's except for a pair of socks in some 5 or 6 years. I'm hardly a contributor to its success.

Even at the holidays, Carsons never gave Field's a run for the money on drawing customers in. The store could never moderate it's heat inside (always stifling hot in the winter), decorations were bare bones and they recycled their Christmas windows four years running. Carsons simply lost its panache and even the new Sears store across the street has been more pleasant to shop at.

While Carson's is a Chicago institution, it's failed State Street and its customers over the year. Carsons never really got in the game. When Harrods was threatening to go in across from Field's, they didn't wait to be out-panached, they up'ed the ante by bringing in some amazing inventory and completely re-invested in the architecture and layout of the store so that it became the ultimate shopping pleasure.

I'll miss Carsons and the inevitable gutting and renovation of the building into new mixed retail and office space. Undoubtedly the markers in the lower level pointing the way to the most pleasant memories of my childhood will be leveled and reconstructed so I will never know where I spit that root beer candy out. But, I think it's time for it to move on.

'Canes n stuff

I've got a lot going on right now so have been very busy and not much time to blog/write. I did do a reasonable entry over on the weather blog on the coming Ernesto.

Thinking about Florida and all that reminded me of the movie Adaptation and here's a fine quote from it. Sounds a bit like a verbose fortune cookie, but I like it:

There are too many ideas and too many people. And too many directions to go. I was starting to believe that the reason it matters to care passionately about something, is that is whittles the world down to a more manageable size.

Oh Get a Clue!

I was pointed yesterday to a show called "High School Musical" by one of my old Thespian Friends. In fact, many of the characters in the movie we could associate with one of the old characters from our theater troupe.

It's in that spirit that I recall the favored movie of myself, a bat-crazy thespian overlord called "Jenne" and our little buddy Samir - Clue. Anyone who is prone to being over dramatic probably loves this movie. I fancied myself a Miss Scarlett but I was, in truth, Mrs. White. Samir and I especially loved the movie and would quote it frequently - he would coach me excessively on my Madeline Kahn impersonations. We had a great idea to document the screenplay and convert it into a live theater script. Being 15 and 14 years old, we obviously never got around to doing that.

Incidentally, both of these dramatic overlords entered the entertainment industry. Jenne is in the Chicago Symph Choir and does as lot of small operatic theater I believe. And Samir is now "Sam" and has been a stylist on Extreme Makeover and has some book out. I'm happy for Samir's success of course and am glad to know that I was the predecessor to Sarah Jessica Parker, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt in terms of getting styled and coiffed. Their stylish beauty is clearly a direct result of the sacrifice I and many other 'Burgers had to make (which included devices of torture such as ubiquitous amounts of Aqua Net and layers of stage make up).

Cleverly, my quote also pertains to another person who is on my mind this morning.

Mrs White: "Harry was always a stupidly optimstic man. I mean I'm sure it came as a great shock to him when he died. But he was found dead. His head had been cut off and his..you know."

Wordsworth: "But that was your first husband. Your second husband also disappeared!"

Mrs. White: "That was his job..He was an illusionist."

Wordsworth: "But he never reappeared!"

Mrs. White: "He wasn't a very good illusionist."

Can you hear me now?

I was thinking when I got my Cingular bill what a great racket cell service is. This is satire..but it's too true.

Verizon Introduces New Charge-You-At-Whim Plan

Sailing Over A Cardboard Sea

Today's movie quote is from one of my favorite movies, Paper Moon. It's go a lot of clever dialogue and is about a con man and a young girl who may or may not be his daughter. In real life of course, it's Ryan and Tatum O'Neal.

Moses Pray: I got scruples too, you know. You know what that is? Scruples?
Addie Loggins: No, I don't know what it is, but if you got 'em, it's a sure bet they belong to somebody else!

Not much to talk about today really. I'm getting a small (and by small, so far it's three people) group together to go to Emerils Tchoup Chop at the Royal Pacific at the end of September/early October. It's for a special top secret celebration.. But so far it's just me, Lala and Steve. Steve said it will look like an episode of Three's Company. Unfortunately, I have to be Janet because I'm the brunette. Lala gets to be Chrissy but truth be told, the loser in this charade is Steve who has to be Jack. I'm very much looking forward to going there. It will make healthy amends to an ugly situation from my past. Last time I tried to go there, I got stood up. Not quite literally but close enough for me to be pretty p.o'ed, disappointed and filled up with reasonable doubt.

Live, learn and then go celebrate..and if you can celebrate where you were once sad? Even better than the real thing.

Johnsburg, Illinois

Just for fun and posterity - here's a lyric from Tom Waits about the town I grew up in. I wonder who the girl was...


She's my only true love
she's all that I think of
look here in my wallet
that's her
She grew up on a farm there
there's a place on my arm
where I've written her name
next to mine
you see I just can't
live without her
and I'm her only boy
and she grew up outside McHenry
in Johnsburg, Illinois

How does your garden grow?

As one of my signature files says, I've recently become susceptible to existential nausea, which is brought on by too much awareness of the contingency of life. Which basically means, I've become very tired the last few days thinking about the miles I've gone and the miles I have left to pursue. That doesn't stop me from pursuing my pursuits by any means. Today I had a wicked session at the gym and surprised even myself by how much stronger I've become. But, even this past weekend - on Sunday - I was rattled for moments at a time at how the distance I've come is not always enough to be the warm blanket one needs around them to feel secure and knowing they are on the right path. I lie in bed sometimes, staring out the window or watch the ceiling fan turn and wonder, "Am I doing the right thing? How do I know when I've never done the right thing before?"

I wonder where this all will lead? It's impossible to bail out and return to the old life now because all engines have fired and there's no anchor in the old life left. While it's been so terribly easy for me to blog about the tangible accomplishments, it's the emotional journey inside that I ocassionally will question - have I come far enough? What is my metric? How does one determine the mass and density of lost emotional baggage? After all, what is inside is what will always count. The body guides the internal dialogue without a doubt so the two go hand in hand. But the whole point of exercising and dancing is to bring a peace and balance to my inner self.

I watched Dr Phil today and there was an interesting couple on. This woman had lost 162lbs over the course of three years. It left her with a shocking amount of loose skin that she described as looking and feeling like raw pizza dough. After seeing the photos, I concur with that analogy 100%. Her husband had never seen her nude, she won't let him touch her and has completely withdrawn. The interesting thing is - he met her in that condition. He didn't meet her as the 300+ lb woman, but the 130 pound woman she is today. He himself was very attractive, incredibly fit (body builder body) and from a superficial level, one would never guess in a million years that he'd be the kind of guy to put up with the absence of a physical relationship or a woman so obviously broken down by her secret 'body'.

What was so palpable and completely overshadowed her loose skin issue was the incredible love he had for her. Just as obvious was the blindness she has to that love because her own pain eclipses her ability to see, appreciate and feel that love. I thought to myself, that is the kind of guy every woman dreams of. It's almost out of a cheap romance novel - the handsome, ripped man stumbles across the woman with a tragic flaw and loves her in spite of all her "grotesque" flaws. My thought wasn't "she's so lucky" because I deeply understand the powerful iron gate that blinds you from love when you are unhappy with yourself for whatever reason. This woman is not lucky because her own internal truth is so twisted and she cannot (and I get this) fall in love with her self. But my thought was what a truly wonderful and absolutely rare person he was - and just how utterly impressive (if not completely attractive) it is to witness a man who loves someone that challenges his vanity.

It's something that anyone who is single - or partnered for that matter - needs to reflect on: what is our own truth and conviction? What kind of life can we really hope for when our dealbreakers are skin deep?

Today's quote comes from Elizabeth. Wish I could say I remembered this but was led to it and found it.

You were the most powerful man in England. And you could have been greater still, but you had not the courage to be loyal, only the conviction of your own vanity.

I'm tired and worn out so I apologize if this is incoherent and completely fractured train of thought. I'm off to read my Rwanda book now - a story a night and I can sleep knowing that I have a better version of luck that awaits me every morning.

Long Mega Day

No feel like talking.

Was at work at 6:30am and got home after 7. Am tired and need to be at gym in 10 hours. Going to sleep now.


/night.

How Fortuitous

No gym today for me today. I will work out at home on the pilates and core strenghtening stuff, and of course practice what I learned in dance class Friday. But, I need a solid day here at home to get my closet and office in order and I think that will be, in fact, back breaking work. I lost my morning to the shops. I went to Super Target this morning and dropped $200 on groceries, closet organizing pieces, a bit of workout clothes, unmentionables (lol) and a new cat litter box with a hinged hood on it so I can just flip it up like a car hood when I fancy digging for cat poop.

But last night my TiVO recorded Saturday Night Live (as it does every Saturday) and lucky me the re-run was Shakira singing La Tortura and her live routine is far less complex (it'd have to be) than the actual video. It was very, very cool to see the same core bellydance moves I've been learning applied in modern/latin dance. Even better, I understand the rib cage thing 100 x more now. I'm going to record that onto DVD so I can practice a variation from what I learned in class - it's funny how sometimes a variation makes the move 'click' in how to do it mechanically. I also have noticed in class that doing things in double time makes it easier to do, rather than slow and broken out. It's natural movement so perhaps that's why doing it slowly in parts makes it more difficult.

Also, you don't use the balls for your feet hardly at all in belly dance - a lot of it is heels-down which feels very unnatural but when you consider you're supposed to elongate yourself with your abdomen and arms, then going on your tip toes defeats the purpose. Which would explain why Shakira always seems to be wearing flat trainers.

OK, time to start my project(s) for the day. Ayyeee.

Ole!

I watched The Matador this afternoon. What an excellent anti-Bond, anti-Remington Steele character Pierce Brosnan created. I had such a crush on him when I was ten years old and this reignited that old flame.. ;-D His character reminded me a lot of someone I used to know though, which disturbed me at times - especially waking up with a whore and a bottle of Makers. Nonetheless, I thought it was a thoroughly entertaining yet thought provoking film and worth the praise.

So while it's fresh on my mind, here's the quote of the day -

Aren't we fucking cosmopolitan? Having a trained assassin stay overnight. Letting heartbreaking lies roll over us like a summer breeze.

(I know I should technically not display, quote or partake in vulgur language on my blog. Tough.)

I love that line - "Letting heartbreaking lies roll over us like a summer breeze." Haven't we all done that at some time or another? It's what we do when we don't want to face the truth of those we love or truth of ourselves.

I feel like quoting this song lyric that is on my mind today for no particular reason. It's by Neko Case, whom I saw at the Double Door in Chicago I guess around six years ago or so. Think she was opening for Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire. It's rare that an opening act for a club band could have such an impact. I remember she tore her shirt off at some point in her set and I thought how brave it was. It was brave because she wasn't wearing some sexy black lacy bra that might have predicted the future comings of Aguilera and Spears. It was more along the lines of a playtex 18 hour bra. With the Spice Girls being rather popular and flouncing around in cutesy things at that time, I gave her big credit for chutzpah though. She frankly is an amazing performer and I got her CD shortly thereafter and it's one of my favorites (Furnace Room Lullaby, for future reference).

So here's my favorite Neko Case lyric..

I twisted you over and under to take you
The coals went so wild as they swallowed the rest
I twisted you under and under to break you
I just couldn't breathe with your throne on my chest

I'm off now to get ready for a Saturday night. I'm going to have steak (need iron, my muskles hurt).

Braggart Alert

Anyone who has ever struggled with their self-image will I'm sure understand how I feel today. I should refine that to say women because although men certainly go through their more than fair share of seeking a six-pack under their shirt (hint: keep away from the six pack in the fridge and praps you'll eventually find it under your shirt!), the stigma is no where near the same.

Anyway, I went to the gym today and had a very good workout sans trainer. Probably the most I've ever pushed myself without someone bugging me. I came home and decided to clean out my closet/bedroom which looks like a dumpster in the back of a clothing mall. I found this cute skirt I bought at Ann Taylor probably 2 years ago. It never fit when I bought it (cute pencil skirt, very slim cut with periwinkle embroidery) but I got it because it was originally some $90 and it was on sale for $25.99. I know this because the sales tag is still on it. I figured, at the time, that I would work towards fitting into it. I've tried it on over the course of time but it never really fit well enough to wear out in public, and in fact at times I couldn't even pull the zipper close enough to zip up!

Well, I pulled it out of the garment bag today and thought, que l'enfer! Et puis, it FIT. I almost died. I even have a lovely periwinkle sweater to wear with it (also from Ann Taylor) that matches perfectly. In a fury I dug out more clothes that either have never fit me or have long since ceased to fit. Not only do they fit, some are actually too big and will need to go to charity.

It's not diet that did it, though I absolutely have changed the way I eat (healthy). I weigh the same that I did (or within 2-3 lbs) of what I did when I bought that pencil skirt (which is why I reckoned at the time it'd be a matter of weeks before it would fit). It absolutely 100% is the working out and dance. Period. It has literally changed my posture and shape. Posture affects the way clothes fit too, I'm sure. When Rod gets here in 2 weeks I'm going to ask him if my posture still looks pathetic (he's a lovely one for being candid and frank - he's a chiropractor so he seems to feel it's fair to take pot-shots at my spine).

I just wanted to celebrate this afternoon - I'm so pleased with the results from literally only 2.5 weeks of this. Granted, I've worked very hard - I have no given myself one day break from either practicing dance or working out in that period of time. But I don't want to give myself a break, I enjoy it.

Last night I got a new hip scarf with coins on it. It's purty.

So my apologies for self-congratulations..but it's better than rewarding myself with a big pile of KFC (sheddup J!!).

The Gay Divorcee

Today's movie quote comes from the old Astaire/Rogers film, The Gay Divorcee:

Pining? Men don't pine. Girls pine. Men just... suffer.

I cannot BELIEVE after looking forward to sleeping in all this dreadful week, I've woken up at 5am. I tried to go back to sleep and I spent precisely 24 minutes before giving up, making a pot o Joe and watching reruns of the Daily Show. Which, btw, was fairly classic this week with James Oliver ("Senior Carryonoligist) standing at "Heathrow" reporting that the British aviation ban on liquids should include humans who are in fact 75% liquid are walking bombs. He also pointed out something I can't believe I didn't think of, which is, what level of viscosity is liquid banned? Such as clotted cream? He warned us of the evil layer of explosive liquid that can exist between delicious lumps of cream.

Anyway, I digress. Though I don't know what I'm digressing from. I had a long day yesterday and work up sore this morning. I managed to get to the bookstore and got my Rwanda book I've wanted - We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families. And for something a little more sobering and serious, I picked up Conversations With Bono. I meant to get it whenever it came out (a year or so ago?) when I sat next to someone on a plane reading it who said it was suprisingly interesting. I saw it on the table at Borders and read the foreword written by Bono and it twigged by interest simply because he said doing this helped him process his father's death (his mother died when he was an adolescent).. Actually, what really got me to take the book to the register is he said exactly verbatim what I had said to C (version 2.0) on why I needed my space, "I've just not been myself lately" and took that as yet another odd sign that I'm on the right journey.

Speaking of a journey, I had some closure on Matt. It was an odd way to get that closure. We had a big party at work yesterday, and somehow I got in charge of the raffle. That sounds like rather simple job but it's actually a mountain of work. So we realized - at the last minute - that we had no objective judge to judge the dessert contest. So the members of senior management and I were standing around discussing who we could get to do this. I said to Lala, "Go get Matt. He'll eat it. He'll put anything in his mouth." Lala says, "Why do I have to get him?" and I said, "He won't do it if I ask him." Lala said, "Why??" To that and to her great observation, K said quite seriously, "It's her ex-husband. It's like asking your ex-husband to do something nice." I agreed publicly and openly and said, "It has been totally like a divorce."

That was a huge thing for me to get out in the open. In case you don't know, Matt and I were often accused of being an old married couple. Whether it was an argument about something no on else understood or my ordering for him off the menu at a restaurant he's never been to before - and ordering precisely correctly - or just the fact that we spent more time with each other day and night than our significant others..it was in many respects like a marriage. He farted in front of me, routinely so I don't know how much closer to marriage you get that than. And it's been just about 2 years of that. So our demise from a few months ago has been just as disruptive, uncomfortable for third parties, and miserable as any break up or divorce. And like divorced parents, we get along for the children (the project) when we have to but the minute the audience leaves, it's back to 'fuck youse'.

Getting some unsolicited recognition for the fact this guy wandering around is like an ex-husband for me was actually very liberating.

See, all happens for a reason.

Yay! Friday!!

Friday is here! Yay!!! Tomorrow I can sleep in, which I've been dying to do all week. (Now there's a sentence most people would never expect me to say).

Though Friday is usually when people end their week on a lark and a drink, my Fridays are actually quite difficult. Not only do I have to meet my trainer on Friday mornings (which I need to depart for the gym in about 20 minutes) and get my arse kicked for an hour, but I end my day with dance class which is actually a more intense hour because we only get about 3 45-second breaks in that hour. The upshot is my friends and I go to a bar or restaurant afterwards so it doesn't feel quite so pathetic of a Friday night but by then I'm so totally ready to go home and collapse. At least the work day tends to be more quiet. We're having an international food day at work. I've done sod all for it because some batshit friend of mine signed me up for "Clean Up Crew" on the Asian team. I intend to go to Barnes & Noble at lunch and buy three books I've been wanting to read on Rwandan genocide instead.

In college (in my intellectual years), I was fascinated and compelled to study the holocaust more than any other event in history. This actually started prior to my college years - started around 5th grade when I first read The Upstairs Room. That eventually migrated to The Diary of Ann Frank and multiple other books including the Rise & Fall of The Third Reich and so on and so forth. In fact, the only museum I've ever contributed a rather large sum of money to is the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. - which is frankly the best museum in the world in my opinion. I can imagine the only thing more moving would be Auschwitz itself. But anyway, I've had a long standing interest in the social, personal and political impact of genocide - which explains why I'm such a cheerful adult today. But, I've always read articles and columns about Rwanda but I am even more interested now after seeing Hotel Rwanda and have a list of books to read. Not only personal Schindler-esque accounts, but there are two books focused on the victims accounts and the killers accounts. So, that's my reading list for this month.

Abrupt to that, I'm also very excited about my TiVo options. DirectTv has a new PPV channels that show older movies for $1.99. I'm recording one of my favorite movies of all time, Three Kings and then another movie I've been wanting to see for quite sometime, The Matador.

Hoping to make it to the beach too, but who knows.

Movie quote from Three Kings:

Bush told the people to rise up against Saddam. They thought they'd have our support. They don't. Now they're getting slaughtered.

A Storm in a Teacup

If I could rename my blog (and I think I can, I just can't be bothered figuring out how), I think I'd rename it "A Storm In A Teacup". That's lovely, isn't it? It's from Lawrence of Arabia, which is the movie I've elected to quote from today.

I'm very uninspired at the moment, brain dead and ready for bed and aiiee...look at the hour! It's not even 8:30. But I got home from work at a decent hour, read a bit on Rwanda (don't I know how to cheer myself up?), thought about going to Barnes & Noble but decided I was too tired so I went and worked out for 45 minutes. Yes, I can't reconcile that either.

But anyway, I shan't bore you all with my minutae - here's the quote I quite like:

With Major Lawrence, mercy is a passion. With me, it is merely good manners. You may judge which motive is the more reliable. - Prince Feisal (aka, Obi Wan Kenobi)

OK, now that I've just heard that quote in my head with Sir Alec Guinness' voice, I think that's why he was cast as Obi Wan. Good grief, not at all unlike Princ Feisal. Same robes flowing with wisdom. Oh George Lucas is a plagiarist of characters! I shall stop, for fear of being labeled a geek.

My Favorite Demotivator

I love this:

http://www.despair.com/potential.html

Children of the Corn

I'm taking a day off from the movie quotes and playing a game I found on another blog I read.

You go to this website: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 and select five quotes that reflect who you are or what you believe. You keep hitting the random button until you get your five.

Sound like fun? Lets play!

1. If I was more complacent and I let things slide, my life would be easier, but you all wouldn't be as entertained. My misery is your pleasure - Kanye West

2. I've never quite believed that one chance is all I get. -Anne Tyler

3. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -Phyllis Diller

4. Truly successful decision making relies on a balance between deliberate and instinctive thinking. -Malcolm Gladwell

5. The truth is the kindest thing we can give folks in the end. -Harriet Beecher Stowe

And as a bonus - I can't say this applies to me because I'm not married. But it's an epiphany I had recently (as in today or last night) about what makes relationships real. I'm annoyed at who said it and convinced she nicked it from somewhere but here it is:

I used to believe that marriage would diminish me, reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone else when, of course, you have to be someone more. -Candice Bergen

That was fun! Anyway, today was a tough day - I gave 200% at work and now I'm home and not thinking about it (except I am, but I'm not..).

I meant to blog last night more but I was tired after an emotionally exhausting day. It was a day of epiphanies and while I love those moments, they are exhausting. But I called my friend J (ooh, you sound so cool when I just call ya "J"!) and she was telling me about the dinner she had made: Grilled brats and corn on the cob. J lives where I grew up in Illinois and I immediately got homesick hearing that. The penultimate McHenry experience, frankly, is to have brats, beer and corn on the cob on a cool late summer night. I can't think of anything else more indicative of a summer night there..Unless it's falling off the bar stool at the River Shannon but generally that's not a family event (although...).

Of course, it only makes sense - it's loaded with german descendants and lots of, well, corn. As depicted here:




and of course, as pictured here:



*giggle*

The mirth of terror!

It was only a matter of time before people start finding the terror threats funny again.

I got this from Rich today:




And then got this from G:

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Thanks for readin', folks!

(bah ha!)

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

I had a heated debate recently with someone who has literally canceled a "dream" trip to Britain because of the issues of the past week and because of some statistics on Islamic radicals and how the British government handles them (none of which I can confirm or deny). I'm sure the whole idea of Al Qaeda thing was a rude awakening and the very fact there are Muslims in England is a shock - especially since the purpose of this person's trip was to visit spots in England where several movies based on Jane Austen's books were filmed. Sort of reminds me of how I first went to London as a teenager expecting Mary Poppins and instead ran into a overly pierced heroin junkie with a rotted black ear that was starting to detach itself from his head.. I suppose Brits are just as disappointed when they get to the US and they meet someone who doesn't have a gun and isn't amazingly stupid but that's not really the point..

Anyway, I ran across this article today in USA Today online travel news that's emailed to me daily. Though I use it primarily just to get the greatest hits on travel news, this article makes all the same points I could ever possible make about people who have perceptions about how safe a country is and whether or not it's a good idea to go there. Of course I could summarize the entire article by simply stating: If you want to keep yourself safe, stay at home. Go absolutely no where.

I've probably (definitely) been to the U.K. more than any other country. Many, many of those trips involved a bomb going off somewhere and often times, somewhere rather close to where I happened to be physically located. It wasn't Al Qaeda at all, it was the I.R.A. - yet this did not deter Americans from going to Britain.. in fact, it encouraged some Americans to fund such activities but that's a whole seperate issue that I frankly know nothing more than soundbytes so I shouldn't have even brought it up.

The point is, why is it so bloody awful that Al Qaeda bombs (and fails to bomb I might add) Heathrow Airport and everyone cancels their trip. The IRA manages to successfully and repeatedly terror bomb and there are 80 year olds signing up for bus tours? Is it that much better to be bombed by a white Christian than it is to be bombed by an Arab Muslim? Personally I see little reason to enjoy either.

One of the most interesting bits of travel advice I've always wanted to follow but never have is, you should always go to a country right after any upheaval. A few years ago people said "Go to Bosnia, Vietnam.." etc because when a country is emerging, it's is most authentic and economical. That's what happened with Prague though by all accounts that is now getting to be just as unneccessarily congested and overpriced as Firenze.

This is just a pointless rant but I think that article really hits on some good points - even if you have no intention of traveling. It's a good starting point to evaluate how you see the world and how it relates ultimately to your well being and safety.

If You Build It, He Will Come

As you may know from this blog or from just knowing me, you'll know over the course of the past six or seven months I've been on quite an emotional journey (not to be confused with Larry Mullen Jr.'s "musical journey"). You'll also know that while the first several months were a collage of things that happened one after another and you'll know that the last four-six weeks (who is counting) has been a lot of hard core work.

Like any well trained Corporate Soldier, I actually had a plan and set of goals to effect the change in my life that I know I need to do to get my compass pointing north again. Though I started sometime in mid-July, it wasn't until early August that I have myself a month to not resolve everything thing but to put the wheels of change into motion. Two of those goals were dealt with in the past few weeks and some pleasant unplanned events occured as well. While my knee jerk reaction is that some of these unplanned events were long overdue, the reality is things happen when they are supposed to happen and not a minute (or year) earlier.

A lot of mystical odd things have happened recently, not least of all the thing on the bridge with the song. That said, I know what my goal is this week, it's next on the list (do I sound a bit like My Name Is Earl?). But I've had no idea where to start, how to start or even to frame how to begin resolving it. This morning I watched Kevin Costner on "Sunday Morning Shootout" (one of my favorite shows - the business of movies) and so it was with him on my mind that I even noticed this article on CNN.com (which I so rarely even look at anymore) about Dyersville, Iowa and Kevin Costner's best movie, Field Of Dreams.

My first thought when I saw the article is, "ooh, Field of Dreams is a great one for mining movie quotes!" But it only took a few seconds for it to sink in that on some level I was led to look at that article. It made me think of my current problem/goal in a different way and also gave me a bit of fortitude to actually tackle it. I have a new approach and new understanding for how important my next goal is. A cynic can say it was a coincidence but a news story about a movie that is nearly 20 years old and details a spit sized Iowa town that I've been to appearing on the front page of CNN.com? And I just happened to watch - out of allllll thing things on my TiVo - the Kevin Costner interview that would open my mind up a little bit to be interested in reading that.

OK, so it's hardly a mission to go find Terrance Mann and take him to a Red Sox game but to me, it was odd.

So my quote from Field of Dreams isn't one of the obvious ones you might think of - if you're an American male. Things like "You're guests in my corn!" and "What's a crop?" or "It was you, Ray" or "Dad, wanna play catch?" (show that scene at any Nascar event and suddenly the crowd
will look like 10,000 women watching Steel Magnolias) or any of those monosyllabic moments that made grown men cry in the theaters. No, I'm far too much a gurl to leave it to that.

It's from one of my favorite scenes in the movie - filmed in Galena, Illinois between Ray Kinsella and Archibald "Moonlight" Graham. Moonlight Graham says,

You know we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening. Back then I thought, well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that that was the only day.

I wish I could say how much that movie means to me and it's odd how I can relate to it in a way I know a lot of women don't. Probably because I grew up with only a father who probably treated me more like a son than a daughter. That movie shaped much of me and my sister's vernacular (in ways I can't even recount), it's a living memory since it was primarily filmed in Dubuque, Galena and Iowa - where not only I spent many summer vacations but also is the home state of my grandfather, and of course it was about baseball! But it was also about people who love each other but don't know how to talk.

Ay Amor

I'm too uninspired this morning (read: not awake just yet) to do my quote of the day so that will have to come later.

But, I do have good news. I got on the scale this morning and I met my goal for the last week. Right on the nose, in fact. Obviously the very slight change in diet (really, it's not totally different - just smaller portions and no carbs or very few after 4pm), working out 4x week and a half hour of cardio 3x a week has worked. The thing is, I hate hate hate working out. I hate the resistance training, I hate running on that elliptical and above all else, I hate the stomach crunches and planks. But now I have a reason to want to do it. Turns out it's not the weight loss that's motivating me. It's that I love the bellydancing so much and I know that the weights and crunches will help me be better at it and the resistance training will make my arms more toned and leaner which will make the snake arms look better. Snake arms are far more attractive when there's not sacks of fat flying about.. Ok, maybe it's not that bad but would I be a woman if I was in love with my arms? It's stunning to have found a whole new reason to want to get fit that has nothing to do with vanity. It's that I want to get better at something else, something that's self-expressive.

Anyway, I was looking for some online stuff on bellydancing because I'm having a tough time grasping ribcage circles/thrusts. While doing so, I read that Shakira's dance training is actually in bellydance. I recalled a guy I dated once who stated, and I quote, "If I found a girl who could dance like Shakira, I'd marry her on the spot." The thing I read went on to say the influence of that dance is most evident in La Tortura video. Now, I will practice with Shakira music (which now, duh, makes sense why) and the obvious Hips Don't Lie is good but I also like La Tortura as well. But never have seen any of her videos so I had no clue of what the article was refering to. I'm too old to sit around watching MTV these days. So I actually paid 1.99 on iTunes to download the video. And I totally see the basic bellydance moves with a salsa twist. And I know I have a looooong way to go but why not?

Incidentally, if I ever do learn to dance like Shakira (which I suspect I will if I stick with it) and am brave enough to do it outside of class and the house...I will not marry him. He was a dork. :-D

Hahahaha

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Your personality type is SLUAI

You are social, moody, unstructured, accommodating, and intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: New Orleans, Albuquerque/Santa Fe, Greensboro, Memphis, Providence, Washington DC, Pittsburgh, Orlando, Salt Lake City, Portland/Salem, St. Louis and these international countries/regions Puerto Rico, Iceland, Kazakhstan, Luxembourg, Turkey, Ireland, Ukraine, England, South Africa, Greece, Wales, Brazil, Switzerland, South Korea

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?
City Reviews at CityCulture.org

There is always room.

No one is going to like today's Movie Quote.

This morning I saw the clouds, the early afternoon brought rain. I lamented the loss of a day at the beach, lost opportunity to try out the new beach chairs and possibly have some hot wings and beer. A day at home when the thunderheads are out is always a nice thing, though. Make a nice lunch, possibly get some laundry done, watch one of the many movies I've had stored on TiVo.

For months I've put off watching Hotel Rwanda. It's been on my TiVo since April and everytime I think to watch it, I chicken out. I worry that I've been too stressed out, too engaged in my own mind and troubles to subject myself to a story that should lay in our guilty conscience 12 years after the fact.

I watched it this afternoon and the same thought traversed my mind like a scrolling marquee: Is this the inevitable outcome of hate? When you hate someone, because they aren't really Americans, because they are not Christians, because they don't speak the english you want them to, because they don't speak english at all, because they drive too slow in the passing lane, because they wear a turban, because they have too many children they don't look after, because they don't make eye contact with you at the shops, because they look and treat you with the same worthless disrespect you treat them...what is the inevitable outcome of that hate? At what point have you gone too far? What point do you stop yourself? And, why do you even stop?

In this movie, you find the inevitable outcome. Where the people you've known, worked with and lived side by side for years and years suddenly are armed and ready to act on that hate. They don't stop because the land became lawless. Is that all it takes to execute the inevitable outcome?

Sure, it wouldn't happen here in America because we have many, many laws. That's Africa. Those people have always lived like that, so you can't compare apples to oranges.

We think you are dirt, less than dirt,worthless... You're the smartest man here. You have them all eating out of your hand. You'd own this fucking hotel, except for one thing. You're fucking black! You're not even a nigger, you're African! They're [Belgian army] not staying to stop this thing. They're gonna fly right out of here with their people. They're only taking the whites. - U.N. Colonel Oliver, Hotel Rwanda

The world has seen and reacted with extreme prejudice and violence against genocide not but a mere sixty-five years ago. That was what they called the great generation - the men and women of the world who stopped a killing machine in the early 1940's. Fifty years later, in 1994 when Rwanda lost a million citizens to genocide, that was my generation. I was twenty-two years old, I had a job in accounting, I was taking cello lessons and spent my lunches doing aerobic walks on the lakefront. That was my generation that did absolutely nothing.

There will be no rescue, no intervention for us. We can only save ourselves. Many of you know influential people abroad, you must call these people. You must tell them what will happen to us... say goodbye. But when you say goodbye, say it as if you are reaching through the phone and holding their hand. Let them know that if they let go of that hand, you will die. We must shame them into sending help. - Paul Rusesabagina, House Manager of the Hotel Mille Collines

The most frightening thing about this movie, indeed, is not the machetes, decapitations, roads filled with bodies, bombs, bribes and the reduction of lives into "cockroaches." The most frightening thing in this movie is the question you have to ask yourself..where were you?

I Dream of Jeannie

Why can't crazy shit like this happen to me?

Celebrating the Leftist Movement

Apparently today is Left Handers Day. Yet again, another striking similarity between myself and Angelina Jolie. It's scary how alike we are!

I am feeling completely superficial today so today's movie quote has no bearing whatsoever on any thought process I may be having. I'm not having any thought process whatsoever. In fact, after I woke up this morning, I scanned my SNL tivo'ed programs for a Jimmy Fallon sketch, to no avail.

Anyway, from the classic Fletch:


Dr. Joseph Dolan: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No elephant books.

I also am having a 24-hour creepy-guy crush. I don't mean I'm creepy, I mean the guy I have a 24-hour crush on is creepy. And my crush is indicative of how middle aged I'm becoming.

My crush! Unveiled! Peter Sarsgaard!

Artifacts from a time of..innocence?

My sister sent me a box of stuff out of the storage space I left behind in Chicago. Most of it is highly silly and useless bits of nonsense relating to various Chicago Cubs (oh thank goodness I didn't lose my Walt Moryn autograph...?? Why would I save something like that? But the Sammy Sosa one, that I throw away..), a Regatta de Blanc album (an actual LP..) which I had no idea I ever possessed, and this little gem that will be of interest to two people at the most:

(Click on the picture girls if you want to see it in fuller detail but I'm sure you can tell from even this small picture exactly WHAT this is!! )





Yes, not as innocent as we'd like to believe we were at 12 years old! But we can state for the record that no one reading this blog is the author of this useful glossary, so if anything this is the document that would actually mark the point where we started losing our naive innocence.

If I come across any more gems like this I'll scan it in for posterity. I know I had a single sheet of The Story but I haven't seen it in quite awhile. It might be forever lost but, we'll always have this.. :-D

Mysterious Ways

OK, went to my dance class tonight and it was fantastic. My hips? They officially hurt. But I learned how to shimmy - which surprised me that it comes from your feet and not your stomach or hips. It's going to take a lot of practice to get used to it but I am sure I'll manage. We did a lot of hip work today though and though in bellydancing hips look like a fluid movement, it's actually quite a sharp movement. In salsa dancing you roll your hips more, this is more like slamming car door shut with a sharp side move. The odd thing is, most people have trouble with snake arms but that came quite naturally to me.. Far more so than the hip quake or whatever it's called.

I really love this though and I can easily see sticking with this for a long time. I had just as much of a burn in my arms as I did at the gym this morning, so it's not only an art form and giving me a little bit of confidence in coordination, but it's quite a workout.

No rest for the weary though. I've got lap swimming tomorrow morning and was going to do the circuit training but honestly - after an hour of hip and shoulder thrusting/quake and snake arms I can give my muscles a rest for a day. Not that lap swimming is exactly relaxing but at least I can loll around in between sets and enjoy myself. I might go to another class tomorrow anyway - one of my girlfriends wants to go again and another wants to try it.

Is this not, in all honesty, an extremely exciting entry?

"Magical" Express

The lastest Al Qaeda activity has been all over the news so I hardly need to be an armchair journalist and recap it all. And I feel a bit silly about the aspect of it that I'm going to actually blog about, but it interests me.

There's a service that Disney World offers called the "Magical Express." It's a convenient airport shuttle service that augments a Disney vacation package (at no charge) so your journey operates a bit like going on a cruise. Essentially, you check your bag at your departure airport and you won't see it again until you are checked-in and inside your room at your official Disney Resort hotel. When you arrive at the airport, you bypass baggage claim (which at Orlando airport is so long you wonder if your luggage traveled via Greyhound) and go right to the shuttle bus. The idea is you can get started on your Disney dream vacation approximately 90 minutes earlier than the poor saps who checked a bag and are staying at the Maingate Travelodge. It's been a hugely successful program because it's free and since most people carry-on things they need to start their trip after landing such as extra clothes, a bathing suit, sunscreen, contact lens solution, hairspray...er.. get where I'm going with this or has your tv been stuck on ESPN?

I was reading CNN today and the rumor is that these bands on liquids and in some cases and outright ban on carry on luggage irrespective of what's in it (including handbags/purses) may continue on for quite some time. You can read the details here but I generally gave you the gist of it. The key question is in the article, The challenge is going to be with the airlines on all the luggage [that] is checked and can it actually get to the destination in a reasonable amount of time once you get there -- how long do you have to wait for it and all of that?

The Magical Express, while a very well received service has had the same consistent complaint - the luggage arrives HOURS after you do so the general advice is "pack it in your carry on." Makes me wonder if Magical Express luggage delays will be exacerbated by the possible doubling or quadrupling of checked luggage (assuming that there's an all out ban on hand luggage) and extend out exponential to the airline's slow down.

Outside of the Disney vacation context, the airline industry is going to have to vastly improve its performance on luggage handling and pony up a lot of money when it doesn't deliver. If I can't take my contact lens solution on board with me and I have to ditch a $100 pair of contacts - who pays? No longer will the airline have the right to say "Keep your valuables with you." How can they not be responsible?

Again, if half this money was spent on aircraft maintenance and training, then air travel would actually be safer for the average joe blow.

It's sad that an almost-plot has shaken up the world, proving that a bomb doesn't have to go off for there to be terrorism. Even the Mickey Mouse Bus Line will be affected by it. John Lennon's imagine seems so far away, once again.

Today's quote is from the Shawshank Redemption -

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

You think you have problems?

Yesterday was a tough day.. My friend's husband is still fighting prostate cancer (thought it had gone to remission), an older friend of mine was diagnosed with bone cancer, one coworker whom I admittedly don't know very well's mother in law and daughter died in unrelated illnesses while her husband is in Iraq and finally one of my co-workers left suddenly as it appears she has throat cancer and can barely speak.

I know I've had my share of problems and heartaches. But I know any of them would trade their problems for mine in a heartbeat.

Which brings me to today's movie quote/song lyric from Disney's finest (imo) modern animated film,

Every day they shout and scold and go about their lives
Heedless of the gift it is to be them
If I was in their skin
I'd treasure every instant out there

We talked at work yesterday about how important it can suddenly be to be simply grateful because you're life can be so much worse. While that's possibly the more moral thing to do - and without a doubt completely reasonable - there are people in this world who are suffering far more than anyone I referred to above. I'd like to meet the person with the worst life on the planet and meet the person with the best life on the planet, but I doubt there's an appointment to such standing. The fact of the matter is, there will always be someone trump your pain and always someone who is doing better than you and has it all, relatively speaking.

I think what is genuine, right and loving is to empathise with those who are sick, hurting or living in some version of hell (anywhere in Africa, middle east, east LA..). But what point do you serve when you decide your problems are worthless because they aren't worse? That's a narcisstic way of supporting someone for one thing. And since most people's problems involve another person (or impacts) them, then a derision of the value of your own problems can increase the weight on the people it impacts.

I can think of two examples in my life where that happened and I think my theory is true. When you don't realize you have a genuine problem, you're a lot like a misfiring gun.

Point being, it's OK to be grateful your life isn't worse. It's not OK to use that to give yourself licence to do absolutely nothing to fix the piddlefart problems you have.

temper tantrum

I want to
THROTTLE
someone right now.

To those it may concern:

I mean..really. Can you believe it?!

can't resist

My little comment in the previous post where I said "I've gotten better" reminds me of yet another quote. this one from Monty Python and the Holy Grail,

"She turned me into a newt...[silence]...I got better."

Oh I amuse. I'm going swimming now.

[kersplash]

Love Can Touch Us One Time

..and last for a life time.

OK, enough sappy Celine Dion lyrics. I don't want anyone to think I've lost my sass ;-)

But, today's quote IS sappy. And it's from Titanic. It's incredibly relevant today because I made a sinking boat analogy yesterday in a debate with a friend of mine on whether or not I should be upset about something that happened at work on Monday. The analogy I made is this:

If you think of yourself as a ship and you've got four crew members assigned to four life boats who are responsible for launching to get everyone off safely in the event of a crisis. Each one of those lifeboats represents a critical part of your life: Health, Career, Friends & Family, Love. Whenever there's a crisis in the health area, I will send maybe 2 crew members to that lifeboat. If it's a friend's/family crisis - I'll send 2 at first and maybe a third. If it's career, I will send all four crew members and probably the captain and I'll even throw in the cook. If it's my love life? Not only will I leave that one crew member there unassisted, I'll actually let them take a lunch.

I realized how totally screwed up that is and despite the fact I probably need to send four crew members to the career boat right now, I'm not. I'm done because my career has been by and far the most successful venture. I have accomplished so much with so little and that was due to incredible dedication and loyalty to my work and my identity as a career woman. If I put that energy into my health and physical fitness, I'd have been an olympian.

So my priorities have changed because I realized the person I keep throwing a life boat out for, isn't actually worth saving. Corporate America drilled out of me the passionate, "sassy", fun-loving, daring, adventurous, argue-about-anything-to-the-death girl! This is why I've gotten all up into journaling more, reading more, working out, dancing and dumping bad mojo like a Dave Matthews bus on the Michigan Avenue bridge.

So here's the quote..

"They've got you trapped Rose and you're gonna die if you don't break free. Maybe not right away because your strong but sooner or later that fire that I love about you Rose, that fire is gonna burn out." -Jack Dawson, Titanic

..And come on, isn't the part of Titanic we loved the most was that in the end she lived..truly, really lived.

Quote of the Day 8 August

Allegedly, today's quote comes from Kitty Foyle, but I can't confirm it. None the less, it made me laugh and is absolutely fitting for today:

Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it's the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it.

Today I came to work and a tiny little box was left on my desk - a gift. It's one of those little "Mini Kits" you can buy at bookstores. I laughed when I saw what it was - The Art Of Bellydancing. My friend Lala left it for me, undoubtedly in a fit of her own bemusement. As I may have mentioned in a previous blog, my friends (and this list is growing, sans the skeptical Lala) and I are taking belly dancing lessons. Now I have finger cymbals and bellybutton jewels! My friends who are married have very supportive husbands who want them to do this and are kissing the ground I walk on because I'm the instigator.

I just have always wanted to learn (was fascinated by neck slides and the lot when I was a kid) and while I love to dance when no one is looking, I'm self conscious in public. This conquers my self consciousness of dancing openly, helps me actually learn something and serves the very positive purpose of toning and strengthing my stomach and working with balance and coordination. Got the blessing of my trainer as well - she was thrilled that I'm doing it and thinks it's one of the best things I can do for what I want to acheive.

Speaking of training, today was rough but awesome :-)

Is this rock & roll??

When I wrote in a previous post about John Hannah being ugly cute or summat, I knew I stole that from somewhere. It occured to me where and I chased down the quote within 525 give/take page book that is the funniest, most intriguing, engaging and insightful book about rock music ever written - U2 At The End Of The World, by Bill Flanagan.

I probably have read this book cover to cover 2 or 3 times and anecdotally countless times. It's just so much fun to read, it makes you feel like you're on tour, living every moment in real time. It's a fascinating insight and as Paul McGuinness pointed out, the band are unusual in that they prefer each other's company to that of others. And it shows in the way they relate to each other.

The quote in question comes from an exchange inside a limo going somewhere. Bono and The Edge are having a difficult time figuring out why the limo TV keeps switching back to a self-help ad. Turns out Larry is playing the classic sophomoric joke of hiding the remote and switching it back and never lets them know. They leave the channel as-is mystery unsolved and then this exchange ensues:
Larry: Too bad you can't get cable in a car...Have you ever seen the Fishing Channel? Lots of talk about rods and hooks and the one that go away."
Bono: I prefer 'Rides bikes, like boats, and lives with girlfriend for twelve years channel.'"
[discussion about a Vogue magazine interview where the journo went on for pages about Bono, a few 'parables' from Edge, and then condensed all of Larry and Adam into a baseball card type description, with the bike/boat/girlfriend snapshot]
Bono: She painted Larry in bold strokes.
Adam: At least your not the one she called 'handsome in an ugly way.'"

That really isn't funny if you don't know anything about U2, but the exchange is freaking hysterical if you do. But if that's a problem - get yer own bloody blog.

I am going to go back and read more of it. I lose myself in this book completely, and it's written so vividly that it's like having your own memoirs. No other book can take you so quickly to Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast and Berlin....

Even if you don't like U2 but are interested in the full life cycle of a band (recording, promotion, rehearsal, tour, breaks at home, more recording, touring and just hanging out at the pub, back stage and strip clubs), this is a great book for it. Each of the members of U2 are fascinating characters in and of themselves and Flanagan really created story arcs out of each of them where you can almost predict what they are going to do as "characters" before they actually do it.

Awesome awesome book and is a nice stray out of self-help books and pining for the fjords.

Oh, and I'm very perplexed at why the Kennedy Space Center always sends me two of the same emails whenever they send one. It's annoying.

Quote of the Day - 7 August

Whoops - almost forgot to post the quote of the day! I was torn about which one to use today. A light and cheerful bit o fluff from Pirates - Curse of the Black Pearl or one that is more indicative of the day I had at work..

Lets be well-balanced and do both, shall we?

First the one that describes how work made me feel today. This is from the fabulously quiet and gentle movie about inevitable outcomes, Sliding Doors:

James: Cheer up! Remember what the Monty Python boys say.
Helen: Always look on the bright side of life?
James: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"

I used to watch that movie a lot with a bottle of vodka. I'm much better now, thank you. But seriously, a really underrated movie. It was melodramatic but it is absolutely a real life single girl's fairy tale. Pre-dates Bridget, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda and contains the verrry lovely and charmingly ugly John Hannah.

And for the movie that should be watched with a bottle o' rum - today's humorous Jack Sparrow quote,

To what point and purpose, young missy? The Black Pearl is gone and unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice - unlikely - young Mr. Turner will be dead long before you can reach him.

It's A Wonderful Life

Another character builder today, let me tell you.

I did go to the gym today and had a really good workout. I even ran into my trainer who was acting odd but I always knew she was odd. Anyway, I was so irritated that at that empty vacant hour (9am on Sunday), with allllll the equipment WIDE OPEN in a three story fitness center, this guy has got to park his butt right next to me.

The upshot is the whole taking care of yourself thing has inspired one of my best friends here in Orlando to do the same thing I am. She's become a workaholic and we've quarreled a lot lately because I started to let go of work so I could take care of my self. She emailed me today to tell me how what I've done (and lectured her for) has finally started to make an impact. She vowed to herself that she is going to start getting up at 5am to work out for a 1/2 hour and then read the bible for other half hour. I'm so proud of her and her email to me brought tears to my eyes. Her family needs her desperately, not the office. And if the hell I've gone through these months brings her closer to herself and thus closer to her husband and children, then it's one of those moments that make you feel like George Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life.

The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

I haven't seen this new Will Ferrell movie yet, Talledega Nights but I'm sure you've seen/heard the trailers for it and this particular scene and quote:

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son's, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin' Wife, Carley

This morning I wasn't so much inspired by the quote as what I've been reading motivated my urge to quote it. What I've been reading begs the questions, in a marriage and committed relationship, how far can you go just on being red hot and smokin'?

I read a story in a self-help book that I could relate to. It was the story of a woman who was dating someone she was "ridiculously attracted to". But she held back a part of herself and never let herself get too attached because she knew that he was immature, controlling, noncommital and irresponsible. That helped me stop feeling guilty that I never let myself go and have held back a lot. What I'm doing is actually sensible and normal, not a character flaw of coldness on my part. Granted, there are plenty of things I know I need to do differently to help my relationships out but when lust confuses the issue..

Anyway, I'm off to the gym now. I didn't go yesterday but I didn't have to because I was swimming/dancing/running around all day/night yesterday.

Quote of the Day - 5 August

Today's quote is hardly poetic but it was the first quote I thought of when I woke up this morning. I didn't think of it for this blog. It just literally popped into my head. The part of it that popped into my head I'll put in bold, but I've got the whole relevent quote in there.

From Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl..

Gibbs: He was Captain of the Black Pearl
Will: What? He failed to mention that.
Gibbs: Well, Jack plays things closer to the vest now. And a hard-learned lesson it was. See three days out on the venture the first mate comes to him and says everything’s an equal share. That should mean the location of the treasure, too, so Jack gives up the bearings. That night there was a mutiny. They marooned Jack on an island and left him to die but not before he’d gone mad with the heat.

I've blogged many times about trust. That's probably because the ability to trust is something I've struggled with for many, many months now. I've been burned by someone I trusted - a few times this year. Too many times, in fact. And I don't think the key to that is to simply not trust at all anymore. But I just need to be smarter about whom I trust and how quickly I will trust them.

The way I see it, playing things close the vest is still playing, innit?

Quote of the Day - 5 August

Today's quote is hardly poetic but it was the first quote I thought of when I woke up this morning. I didn't think of it for this blog. It just literally popped into my head. The part of it that popped into my head I'll put in bold, but I've got the whole relevent quote in there.

From Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl..

Gibbs: He was Captain of the Black Pearl
Will: What? He failed to mention that.
Gibbs: Well, Jack plays things closer to the vest now. And a hard-learned lesson it was. See three days out on the venture the first mate comes to him and says everything’s an equal share. That should mean the location of the treasure, too, so Jack gives up the bearings. That night there was a mutiny. They marooned Jack on an island and left him to die but not before he’d gone mad with the heat.

I've blogged many times about trust. That's probably because the ability to trust is something I've struggled with for many, many months now. I've been burned by someone I trusted - a few times this year. Too many times, in fact. And I don't think the key to that is to simply not trust at all anymore. But I just need to be smarter about whom I trust and how quickly I will trust them.

The way I see it, playing things close the vest is still playing, innit?

General Announcement :-)

DAMN TO THE DEPTHS

That's all I got to say about that. -Forrest Gump

Rolling River Shores of Changes

I wanted to find some quotes of wisdom on change because I finally feel I'm at the apex of a very big change in my life. It's tremendously scary and when you make a change like this, can feel very lonely because you don't know what you can and can't take with you. I looked for some quotes via google to help frame how I feel and I was surprised at the author of a few I liked the most.

The author of the quotes is Anais Nin. If you know who she is then you shan't judge me! If you don't...well, don't judge me. I've always thought she was a fantastic, evocative writer. While known for her more sordid writing, I think she had a very sensual gift to understand human emotions and drives - of the dark experiences a person is willing to bring themselves to, to the most superficial.

So what has changed over the past several weeks? I've put a limit on what I will let work do to me. I've admitted some things about my behavior and conduct in the past that affected my life and others. I've accepted the truth of some relationships in my present and past. I am motivated, getting help for mind, body, spirit.. I started with a personal trainer because I'm so tired of my body being weak and a vessel for self-pity - and that has done me a world of good. I'm even taking belly dancing/middle eastern dance with some friends of mine. These are all very good, very big changes.

The decision to change is probably the toughest part. But it takes just as much strength to act on that decision and incorporate it in your life. I guess I feel that I'm just at that point on a rollercoaster ride where I'm at the top and scared of the drop. But the drop is going to be the most fun, right?

This first quote I relate to, in particular for the past six or so months. I found myself too much in denial to accept what I was accepting. I decided my life was good enough and I just stopped. But it became an absolute type of death. I just..ceased.
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

This quote is the inevitable result of the previous. And it's where I'm at right this very moment.
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

And this is my future..but it's also my past. I thought time healed all wounds, but find they don't heal until I change and learn and move on.
They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

This might be the scariest and most exciting time of my life. I hope I never forget what I've felt because to lose the gift of wanting to change would waste all I've done to make it this far.

Quote of the Day - 4 August

From The Simpsons,

"Good evening everybody! Welcome to an evening of theater and picking up after yourselves!"

Have no idea why I find that so amusing today but today's mood is: be accountable!

Quote of the Day - 3 August

Lots of reminders in the news today of the state of the world...

Fidel Castro is in hospital, Israel and Hezbollah no where near peace, the war in Iraq continues on. Maybe the only good news is that Somalia/Ethiopia/Sudan might be welcoming some peace but would one be wise to think the end of misery there is in sight?

How, as a US citizen, is one to spread concern, attention and a very wealthy voice to all these places of suffering? One school of thought is how broken we are here in the US and why should our voices travel out of America and into the world? We have state-sponsored poverty here (it's called welfare), recreational murder.. How awful is it to even consider that the slaughter of a life in northern Africa is more justifiable than it is in Miami? It's a freakish balance, isn't it? The loss of life resultant of a recreational murder (car jacking, drive-by, robbery, drug high) is profound in its random and arbitrary execution. The murder is completely unjustifiable in the sickest of minds. But you go to Sudan/Ethiopia/Somalia, or Israel and murder is with cause and with conviction. That does not make it right, but it reduces the sanctity of their lives. Because there are so many who have died for a common denominator, with cause and forethought. If you think for one second that I'm comparing the value of one life over another, or saying there is justified murder, then you've missed my point entirely. I'm trying to imagine this from the point of view of the people involved. It's easy to do. When we hear of the Iraqi casualties, do you not find yourself thinking they are merely collateral damage? Have you ever thought of our soldiers as merely collateral damage? When an Iraqi dies at the hand of an American, it's war and the price for freedom. When an American dies at the hand of an Iraqi, the murder is personal, intimate and senseless. We will mourn the death of a journalist, crushed by a bomb in a Baghdad hotel and put out a series of memoirs honoring their life and courage.

The death of a mother, who wakes and sleeps protecting her children, enduring years of violence and instability dies in the wake of the same bomb and her life is not celebrated. Her life is rounded off in the estimated numbers of casualties.

I don't know how we pick, as citizens, voters and leaders, what we fight for and what we don't. But we've been in the business of it for a long time and we can do better than we are. The standard we live to is our own, and we need to get perspective now, not fifty years from now.

From Casablanca:

"We musn't underestimate American blundering. I was with them when they blundered into Berlin in 1918."

New Serial (why not?)

OK, I know there's a handful of people who are going to groan, "Oh she's going to try doing a serial in her blog again. It will start daily and then go weekly, then maybe once every three months and then we'll never hear about it again." Remember the famous "Why is that on your iPod" thing? Yeah, too much effort. This I can use IMDB and Goooogle - tres simple.

I love quotes (I hope that didn't give anyone a shock), and rather than pressuring myself to do the bigger serials like blogging the incomplete scribbles of travel journals (as the original intent of this here plot on the world wide web). That is just too hard (hence not having done one in near a year) but I'll try to do that monthly..Ahem.

So here's the 1st in the Serial! I present August 2, 2006's Quote of the Day!!

My favorite quote from, Trainspotting:

Well It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched miserable servile pathetic trash that was ever shat on civilization. Some people hate the English. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. Can't even find a decent culture to get colonized by. We're ruled by effete assholes. It's a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference! -Renton, standing in the highlands

If you haven't seen this movie, you must. If you think you might want to try heroin, I suggest you don't because you may consider it (as illustrated by another Renton quote: "People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid." or even more vividly, Allison's quote, " That beats any meat injection. That beats any fucking cock in the world."). It's got a great soundtrack, and is in fact a trip in and of itself.

A look back at a year

(I've turned this into a link called "Memories" on my blog and will continue to update it as time goes by)

In honor of my ability to stick with one blog for an entire year, I went through and picked out my favorite blog entries. No criteria for it, it could be bemusement, it could be that I think I'm being profound and important or I just like what I wrote.

First, my Top Five (in no particular order and no particular reason):
Juxtaposition of What Is Important
Four Things Survey
Child Becomes The Parent
One
Tuesday's Day Of Thanks
Artifacts of September 11

August 2005:

Dali With A Supermarket Trolley
A Passage To Wal Mart
Time After Time

November 2005:
Conan O'Patel

December 2005:
Standard Issue For A Road Warrior
Priceless Onion

January 2006
Civil Servitude
Move Over Bob Vila
Office Space
Gen X Meets Generation Next

February 2006
The Great Myth Of Florida (i actually like this one for the posted comments!)
The Invisible Scarlet Letter

March 2006
Bender
And So It Begins
Rocket Scientist, Me

May 2006
In The Deep

June 2006
Out of Nothing At All

July 2006
For Whatever You Believe In
Pooper Scooper Revisted

September 2006
Artificats of September 11th

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Will Ferrell was on the Daily Show last night and he's just one of those actors that is absolutely like watching a freak accident. I actually hate that I'm compelled to watch him!! Seeing him with Jon Stewart is frankly priceless. Jon Stewart is the ideal man, I've come to decide (again). He would totally be at My Ideal Dinner Party. Probably first chair.

The funny thing about this interview is it reminds me of this psychotic free association fictional argument I had with Shane. That was one of the best conversations of my life, actually. Completely spontaneously we became other people (we became, in fact, an old Jewish couple from Miami) and had this entire conversation AND passionate argument over fictional issues. This is what Will Ferrell and Jon Stewart do and I totally love watching that vibe when nothing is rehearsed. It's the gift of gab, mayhap. Most of my friends think I should have been born Italian. I think I should have been born Jewish. For the jokes, obviously.

Time to blog in all seriousness. As I've whinged, I don't think that this blog should be a forum to get really personal but I've refined that theory (again) to let it be personal as long as it doesn't involve the pathos or privacy of people other than myself. It's going to take some time for me to really find the right balance between blogging for just a creative (or a reasonable facsimile of creativity) and journaling for therapuetic reasons. While I love pointing out that Mark Grace scares babies and complaining about La-Z-Boy recliners on I-4, it's got to be a balance between idle observation and really what's going on in my life when it's not all cheerios. I hate cheerios, by the way.