Well..that was easy

I'm getting better at healing up :-) I woke up today feeling a bit sad but then I thought about all the exciting things I have coming up, the joy that is around me and some of the fears I'm ready to conquer and the incredible lessons I've learned from this experience that will make me a better woman, a happier woman.

It wasn't for nowt, anyway, I did and saw things with D that were new for me. I never been on rollercoasters like that before and conquered that fear. I got to go to an NBA playoff game! I got to see a newborn gorilla be nursed by its mama. Those are all genuine experiences that I got to do because of him and I'm thankful for that. He also opened my eyes up to how I can take better care of the memory of my mother and that's an incredible gift. That's all of him I plan to take with me and the rest gets left behind with the rest of him. I will always be grateful for what he brought into my life, but I know my future has to be better without him because that is what's meant to be.

I had to go out to Melbourne for work today and afterwards I took the non-convenient route by way of the beachside. I went to my old house, sat on the rocks and read a book for a little bit. Then I did something I often do but said something I haven't said in twenty three years I guess. I looked up at the window of my mother's old bedroom, where I made deathbed promises. And I asked for her forgiveness of the promises I haven't been able to keep. I also told her that despite my tears and frustration at times I don't blame her for what has happened to me, that I know she's not trying to throw me under the proverbial bus. And I said the last thing I expected to say.. I looked directly at that window and I said in a full voice, "I love you, mama. I really love you."

What an overwhelming peace there is to say that to her in the present tense. Just because she's not here doesn't mean she doesn't need to hear me tell her I love her. More importantly, I need to hear that I love her. And that love is not in the past tense.