When Good Guys Go Bad

As many know, I've been dating a few guys over the past couple months. It's been overall a very good experience because I've gotten to know some cool people, done some fun things and figured out a little bit more about myself and what I want than I would have otherwise realized. There was one guy who stood out a bit more than the others. In fact, he stood out more than any other guy I've ever dated for the particular chronological stage we were at. Three weeks ago, though, I knew something was wrong and my gut said to walk away. I let the most loving and well-meaning friends tell me to give him a chance. I let one good friend (the only guy who spoke up) advice not roll off my back but rather than act on it I decided to keep it in my pocket and observe. I should have listened to the guy's advice because I'd have saved myself a lot of trouble.

You see, despite a lot of things that happened, this guy ultimately was not crazy about me. While I offered him all the things he wanted out of a partner, I was not good enough. Now, that might not be the case in its entirety, it might be in part his own short comings. I.e., he's lying to me or lying to himself. Either way, we were done romantically. But, could we be friends? The answer at first was an obvious yes until I found out that his feelings for me were not the sort of feelings I consider to have with other guy friends of mine. Which is, I'm a funny entertaining bird to have around and about as attractive to them as Leroy the bartender. I can't be friends with someone who wants to continue to talk to me about intimate things but will still wander around looking for another woman. I have a knack for connecting with people - it's what I do for a living - and the tough part is I make these guys feel that they've found their mama or something and they don't want to let go but nor do they want to stay. Well, in the past I've tried out being that kind of girl friend with miserable results because what happens is I'm focused on his needs rather than mine. I'm done with that.

But the bigger and more important question begs to asked...and no, it's not "Why am I not good enough" (which I do ask in my sadder moments). It's "How the fuck did I end up here AGAIN?"

So I came up with a Dating SOP (that's Standard Operating Procedure" for you non-corporate types).

This is a draft but I think it's worth posting for now. If I update it, I will do so. But I think this is something I need to stick to. I also need to take some advice from some very, very wise women and men I know which is to write that description of what he looks like, who he is and who he will be. So I know what I'm looking for and not negotiating my way to a heartache. With this guy, I did compromise but I ended up finding him attractive and someone I was drawn to. Women are capable of that, but not men. But again, I negotiated myelf into a bad situation so, I won't be doing that again. If I get hurt - and I will again - it won't be because I compromised.

Dating SOP, Version 1.0
Intended Audience: Women over the age of 30, dating via blind date or online or meeting via other means:

1. In email stage, ask him what kind of relationship, how long since his last relationship and how long has he been actively dating. You should know this and be prepared to answer it
2. Why did his last relationship end?
3. 2-3 emails and then give him your number and he has to call. Emails end.
4. Within 2-3 phone calls, no more until you meet face to face
5. After first meeting, ask outright (and not in email) “Do you see any spark or reason to go out again?”
6. If there’s a vague answer, end it. If it’s an emphatic yes and there’s concern in his voice you might not feel the same, go for it.
7. Follow your gut – a second date to confirm unanswered questions is OK, it’s not an engagement to be married
8. If after two dates, you aren’t feeling it or your gut is telling you something is wrong: end it. It’s early enough for no hard feelings and not messy at all

Once you’re officially “dating” but before he tells you how he feels about you:

1. No invites over to your house for any reason or circumstances until he tells you how he feels about you. Your home is your sanctuary and he has no right to be there until he’s earned the right to enter your sanctuary
2. No discussion about mother – it’s private, personal and will either provide false sense of emotional intimacy or will scare him off with “too many issues” as an excuse. Save it for when there’s an established, loving relationship and he’s earned the right to know
3. He pays for everything – period. Why? Because until he speaks up, he’s very likely to do something incredibly selfish and inconsiderate whereas as a woman in your 30’s you’re more likely to be honest with him and yourself. You at least deserve a dinner out of it
4. Aside from a hug or romantic yet friendly-ish kiss (and not the tongue down your throat kind), he is hands off. When his hands come calling (and they will) and things start moving towards sexual advances, find a nice and calm way to cool/off back off and then just ask – where do you see this going? Yep, it’s going to irritate the hell out of him. But if you mean more to him than a present sex partner at that moment, he should be willing to let you know. Then go for it if you want!

Once He’s Said How He Feels:

1. It’s OK to let him in your house
2. It’s OK to let him in your heart, mind, and start talking about what makes you “you” (the good, the bad and the ugly)
3. It’s OK to let him have his way with you as much as you’re comfortable
4. It’s OK to think about the future and where you’d fit in
5. None of that is OK, however if he:
1. Doesn’t call you regularly
2. Doesn’t seem to care if you are coming or going
3. Treats you with disrespect, physical or verbal violence or abuse
4. Doesn’t make plans with you
5. Doesn’t going into panic overdrive if you don’t call him back/available for a date
6. Doesn’t tell you regularly on his own initiative that you’re special to him, beautiful and desired