In The Deep

This has been a big weekend getting things sorted out and organized not paying attention to it for a long time. I saw "Crash" last night and..wow. What a fantastic movie. How can a movie say so much without really ever offering an opinion? It's an oft shown clip where Matt Dillon says to a younger cop: "Wait til you've been on the job a long time. You think you know who you are? You have no idea."

or even better,

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

I suppose the movie's premise is the real truth that we have to crash into each other so we can feel something - living behind metal and glass. The premise is true when you're talking about the broad strokes of race and racism. But what about when we almost have to crash to feel something about ourselves?

Years and years ago, I was at the bottom of my life. Working in Switzerland I was throwing away my life, my love, my spirit, my money. It was at that point that I realized who I was at that moment and it led me to Florida and eventually to where I'm at now.

I left the old for a new life - one of sunshine, happiness, independence and a better job. I found a better job but once again the drain has started to leak and I'm sinking again. My family is questioning who I am, what my character is because I can't leave work (not to mention my sense of what is right) to go to my sister's wedding. Discovered what an absolute creep and liar a guy I dated recently is which throws my judgement into question. As I sit here realizing it's 7:30 am and I have to be at work in less than 12 hours... Am I about to Crash again?

My friend and former boss left the company and before she left she showed me a folder where I might find the resume of one of our new hires who is contributing to the drain on my enthusiasm for work. It's not in there but I found something serendiptious that it would land in my lap now - when I don't know if I'm frankly the biggest, coldest idiot on the planet. It's a reference sheet from when the recruiter called my references. I became overwhelmed as I read, in particular, the words of a former boss of mine. He's the CIO of a multinational company now (and was when she took the reference). In part, here is what he wrote:

Quiet but effective. Always stepped up. Was the most junior on the team but outshined the team leader.
XML coding - she jumped right into it and worked without a blueprint and no industry standards defined.
I had the cream of the crop on that project and she shined.
Worked 24 hours to meet a deadline
Has the ability to work with anyone
During all the downsizing, she survived.*
She will never be the first to speak but when she does, it is profound
I would rehire her in a minute.

*5000 employees were laid off while I was there

I suppose it's arrogant for me to put that in here but what Neil wrote about was from that Swiss project. And now when I feel almost as lost as I did there, that comes from my past to remind me that I've been through worse and kept my character. At a time when I question how well I can possible do under all this stress, I now know I will do fine.

Now I can't change what my family thinks of me. They think they know me better than anyone like I think I know them better than anyone. Truth is we know how we behave, and force each other to live in stereotypes without ever allowing that person to change. But until we crash, we don't really get each other. We don't really feel. Where my family is concerned, I've crashed but I suspect I've only crashed into myself. But that will probably be OK.

In the Deep - By Bird York (From "Crash")

Thought you had all the answers to rest your heart upon.
But something happens don't see it coming,
Now you can't stop yourself.

Now you're out there swimming in the deep.
In the deep.....

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles till you...
Let go til you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
And you throw yourself off.

Now you're out there spinning in the deep.
In the deep....
and now you're out there spinning
and now you're out there swimming in the deep.
in the deep.....

In the silence all your secrets will raise their weary heads
Well you can't pin yourself back together
With who you thought you were

Now you're out there living
In the Deep..In the deep....

Now you're out there spinning
Now you're out there swimming
Now you're out there spinning

In the deep.