My only thought on the way home tonight was: what a tough day I've had. I felt worn out, weary and mentally exhausted. I came home and decided to ignore the phone calls I have to make, the Tivo stored and simply lay about. I was washing my face in preparation for an early night. But from the telly I heard on Access Hollywood a story about how Tom Brokaw cried for 35 minutes, on 9/11. And I remembered, it's the fifth year anniversary. I knew that this morning but I forgot about it as soon as my day started.
I thought I should journal about it and then I decided - nah, it's not neccessary. And then I thought again that it absolutely is neccessary. As tired as I am, there is nothing more important I can do today than to stop and remember. As living Americans during that terrible day we are all a part of history - where we were, what we were doing, what didn't do and what we witnessed.
I spent a few brief minutes collating my own artifacts that piece that day together.
It started around 5am or maybe even earlier. I was living in Chicago with my sister who had recently bought my condo but I hadn't moved to Florida yet. I went to O'Hare airport to travel to Philly on an American Airlines MD-80 jet. My flight left on time at 6:56am Central time - 7:56 eastern time.
The flight took off into the sunrise and as it often is in the fall, the air was instable and the plane wobbled and weaved. I had been having difficulty flying on take off, I had grown afraid of an accident as I had recently endured a mishap at NY's LaGuardia airport. As we flew past the Sears Tower, LaSalle Street Canyon and the lakefront, I reminded myself that all those years I worked on the 35th floor, I never imagined a plane would crash through my office so the fear I had is the logical opposite. If I am not scared in an office building, why would I be scared in a plane? The two would have to connect for me to be afraid.
We cruised over the lake and the flight was only about 1/3 full. I had a window seat near the front - a whole row to myself. Rather than work, I chose to gaze out the window at the gloriously clear day. We flew over Pittsburgh - I was able to spot the old building I worked in the previous year. The three rivers twinkled and glistened like holy water. This was about at 9:15 we passed over Pittsburgh and the flight attendant came over to me and said, "Would you like another coffee?" I said I would - amazed at the first class attention in coach. Even more shocking she said, "You take Equal and cream right?" Wow! I smiled and felt a bit pampered. She brought me a cup of coffee and said as I had my nosed pressed to the window, "Isn't it a beautiful day out?" And it was. I leaned back and enjoyed flying.
But then something odd happened. I'd taken this flight...who knows how many times. Shortly after we cleared Pittsburgh, we dropped altitude. Substantially. I looked at my watch and we were at least an hour from landing. The plane then sped up at the new lower altitude. I thought, "great, why is it everytime I'm going TO work, the plane is early and speeding. When I go home, it's late or canceled and they fly to Idaho first!" I was disgusted. I couldn't understand why we dropped altitude at all.
As we approached Philadelphia, something seemed odd. We landed and no other planes were on the runway. It was this odd quiet on the tarmac. I switched my cell phone on and could not get any service. Others around me were having the same problem. I heard someone say something like "What plane crashed?"
I got off the plane and the cockpit door was closed - none of the usual post-flight meet and greet. Not that I cared. I needed to get to the Septa and onto work. But something was odd, again, in the airport. No one was moving. A woman was just standing in the hallway, frozen, looking at nothing. Another two people were walking a few paces ahead of me and one of them fell down and started weeping. The Philly bar was crammed with people all congregated around the TV. Looking at the stricken people standing like posed extras in a dramatic broadway show, I thought, "Oh no..a plane crashed HERE." I peeked in the bar and saw smoke coming out of the Pentagon on TV. I thought - "Oh, a plane must have lost control taking off from Reagan National and crashed into the Pentagon." That would not have surprised me - having flown many times out of Reagan, you go right over and near the Pentagon.
I made my way to the Septa train and by the time the train pulled out for City Center, the rumors of planes going into the World Trade Center were circulating. The most common question was, "But how big of a plane?" We all thought Cessna. None of us thought 767. All of us were confused - having been in flight through all this.
When the train pulled into Center City station it was obvious something was horribly wrong. The train platforms were packed like a Tokyo rush hour scene. Everyone was cramming onto the trains. I said to the Conductor, 'Can I get back to the airport?" He said to me, "Airport is closed, no more trains going back."
The next few moments of my life were cinematic. I was the lone fool going against the crowd, up to the street streaming with one way foot traffic. I made my way down the street to our office on the 11th floor. No one was anywhere. I looked for my boss - who looked like a mini-Matt Damon and he was not in his office. I circled the floor and found him and senior Partners/ Managing Directors. They saw me and one of them - Ed - said, "Oh thank God" and crossed my name off a ledger pad. I said, "What's going on?!" Ed explained to me that two commercial jets had flown into the World Trade Center. I asked, frantically trying to think of my friends and coworkers assigned to projects in the WTC, "Is everyone alright? Is everyone getting out?" And Ed said to me, "They're gone." I said, "What do you mean, 'they're gone?'" He clarified the point that everyone had seen on Good Morning America, The Today Show, in classrooms, stores, offices and homes around the world on live TV: the World Trade Center had collapsed and was gone.
I couldn't hold that thought in my mind. All the times I'd been there, worked, used the subway station, the Orchid Show I had seen with Rich just months before, the Anna Sui perfume I had bought in the Sephora shop there - how could two monoliths of NYC be..gone?
The next few hours were a blur. Ed drove me to my hotel - The Ritz Carlton. I didn't have anywhere to go, no car, no trains, no airplanes. I had to stay in Philly. I wandered in - the staff knew me on sight and I said, "Can I stay here?"
I got my room - a lower floor with a big window facing City Hall. I put on the TV and watched everything in a moment. I was overwhelmed, overcome and deeply in shock. I immediately tried to connect to the internet and then began to make phone calls.
The first person to make contact with me was G. I don't remember how - I don't remember if he wrote or called. But it was odd that Scotland made it through before anyone else.
I tried calling my father - but he worked for a gov't contractor and they wouldn't let my call through. My grandmother was in tears when I called her - all she had heard was an American airlines plane had gone down in Pennsylvania and when I hadn't called she was worried to death. My sister was not at her office but in a bar nearby. The receptionist had stayed behind to answer the phone in case I called - and the receptionist said, "We were all so scared, but Tamara said she knew you were alright. She said she'd know if something happened to you." I explained the phones were all screwed up and that was the first connection I could get.
Then I set about writing emails since the phones would be intermittently out. Here was the first email I sent out at 12:50 eastern time:
> I was on a flight this morning from Chicago to > Philadelphia. I did land safely. I'm now shut in > Philly, I have no where to go and no means of going > anywhere. The city is shutting down and cacophony > of > sirens and I am truly scared. I can't stop crying. > > I'm at the Ritz Carlton Philly, near City Hall. If > anyone wants to call me, please do. I'd love to hear > friendly voices. > > 215 735-7700, Room 24XX. > > I hope you are all safe and sound.Richard then emailed me, I was petrified about him the most as he lives in NYC. He wrote:
> Glad you're ok > > Can't believe this is happening > > The world trade center is gone > > RichThen I wrote to my friend Neil,
I'm ok. Really fucking petrified though. I was in the Mile High club this morning -- an American Airlines plane en route from Chicago to Philly when the first plane went down. I am now stranded in Philadelphia, amidst chaos. No way to go home, too far to drive, trains planes are all stuck. Even if I had a car, what to do with it? roads and bridges are closed. I can't believe the WTC is gone. Julie is OK, she saw the plane. She's working in NYC now. Rich (don't think you know him) is OK, he's stuck though. Patricia wrote,
>was it just nuts when you got to the airport? was it > hard to get a cab? > who told you first? the captain or someone else with > a cell phone?The last email I sent out said,
I'm OK, considering. I went to the lobby for awhile and sat with everyone else but CNN is there too. City is dead, a couple people here and there but otherwise swarming with police. I'm just tired, i wish I was home.The following day, September 12th, I had written this:
Hello guys, I am so glad I have you all to talk to during this really dark time. I woke up in slightly better spirits. I decided to take breakfast in the lobby to be around other people. I opened the door and found the newspapers with pictures that look like film stills from a Hollywood blockbuster like Independence Day. I was OK, I warbled but was OK. While yesterday I heard nothing but sirens and honking cars, blaring traffic et al today it is eerily silent. There is nothing but hushed, mourning whispers. No one addresses anyone in a full voice. We don't seem to be looking at each other. It feels like we don't want to make anyone else upset by our own tears and fears. Then I started reading the detailed accounts and I started crying over breakfast. I had thought I'd be OK to fly tomorrow, but I'm not. In some ways I feel cocooned here in Philly and I feel it's weak or wrong for me to want to go home. But all I can think about is getting back to my life and maybe starting over again from there. I'm tired of it all, I'm tired of the news containing nothing else, I'm tired of the flags at half mast, I'm tired of debating myself on whether I should step on a plane tomorrow. I just wish it were a dream. anyway, the deal is, I'm planning to be on a train at 3PM today. Anna, I'm sorry I'll miss you. But if you are in Philly next Tuesday I will be here, I will fly in. Thank you all for calling. Marie, I am praying fPublishor you that Rob will be home soon and that life on post starts to look normal again. Call me anytime for anything. So I better go. It's time to dry my hair and see what the world will offer today.
I made that train, my life seemed so small with a suitcase and a Dean Martin CD.
The train was cold, it had no heat since it was a "tacked on" car
to handle the load of people leaving the city. It was a crazy time but
when I saw Chicago - intact - my heart leaped into my throat. I saw
David on the back porch waving the American flag as my train went by,
welcoming me back home. I was home and my city had not been taken
away. I'll never forget that feeling of homecoming and how special the
feeling of being safe and at home can be. It's the least I can feel
for all those who never made it home from what was supposed to be an ordinary Tuesday.
