Only Time

Oh whatever happened to a happy go lucky blog?

Sorry I've been morose but this really has not been a very thrilling time of my life to say the least. But I think when you're overtaxed a lot of times you learn a lot about yourself.

I had an epiphany today, thanks to the Oprah show. This show might actually have started to spare some hurt feelings I've carried thanks to an immeasurable ass that was once in my life. Most of my friends know who Evil Matt is and what a burden he's has been on me in some way or another. Though I logically know what a bad person he was, how little character and morals I have always assumed it was me that brought that out in him and leashed it out onto me. Then I had wondered why he treated me like that but not other women (so I assumed).

On Oprah yesterday (watched it on Tivo this morning), they featured cheating husbands again. Though the guy looked nothing like Matt, there was something in the arrogant smug demeanor of his that reminded me of Matt. Finally as Oprah and Dr Robyn (?) picked away at hime - and asked a critical question, "Who pulled the rug out from under you? Who taught you to be this way to your wife?" he finally cracked and said, "My father." He told his dad he loved him but never respected his mother, walked all over her and didn't put his family first - he was arrogant.
The pain an adult has who sees his father hurt his mother obviously lives on.

From that I remember when me and Matt's relationship broke from the long looming thunderhead and he told me what his problem was. He told me how his father ruled the roost, didn't treat his mother as a partner and how she was serviant to the boys in the house. I got angry when he told me that, I had said, "You're blaming your parents for how you treat me?" I thought it was a cop out - slipping away from accountability. And in many ways he was because he knew what the problems were inside of him - what made him think it was OK to hurt me so openly and arrogantly. He had no interest in fixing them of course. But I give him credit for being insightful enough to have known where this disrespect for women came from. Which - at the time - led me to understand his penchant for Asian women. Asian women, though it's changing, are generally raised and thought to be suberviant. He got a live one with me.

So when I ask why I got the ugliest side of him anyone including his friends ever saw, I am starting to get my answers as I objectively review the path we took those years. First of all, all his friends would say "Matt is Prince Charming and really is a prince." After me, I don't think any of them thought that anymore. He pretty much showed his colours in Italy. So why me? What did I do to deserve it? My personality and nature undoubtedly boxed him in and challenged all his learned behaviors and expectations. He fought back the way his father would, he reduced me to nothing in the way he treated me.

Matt told me that night we got all this out in the open and years later when he attempted to fix our broken relationship (without fixing himself) that there has never been anyone in his life quite like me. His words, just a mere year and half ago were still of the connection we made so quickly and so strongly. So I know that whatever place Matt put me in his overly organized life, I kept popping out of it. And I literally was a looming threat to the way he was raised and knew a relationship between a man and a woman should be. This is why he (emotionally) punched me harder than he ever punched anyone before and apparently, since.

He's getting married soon I have heard and I pity the foolish little Asian (mais oui!!) girl he is marrying. I hope he's figured out how to fix the sadness he shared with me that night that makes him capable of what he's done in his past. I doubt it though.