A Golden Oldie From The JHS Choir..

I don't remember who all sang this with me in choir aside from Holly. Mon Amie, did you?! I have no idea (well, I do but I won't say) where this came from but I just started singing it today out of nowhere. Unfortunately, I only know the alto version so I can't sng the melody on this at all and don't even know how it's supposed to sound. It's a cute song, from An American Tail.

Somewhere Out There

written by James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

Wise Words from Mon Amie

My Mon Amie (I know that's bad englishfrench) sent me these lyrics today from a Carrie Underwood song and I thank her so much for sending them..because it's speaks a truth I feel so much in my heart right now.


"Lessons Learned"

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

Well..that was easy

I'm getting better at healing up :-) I woke up today feeling a bit sad but then I thought about all the exciting things I have coming up, the joy that is around me and some of the fears I'm ready to conquer and the incredible lessons I've learned from this experience that will make me a better woman, a happier woman.

It wasn't for nowt, anyway, I did and saw things with D that were new for me. I never been on rollercoasters like that before and conquered that fear. I got to go to an NBA playoff game! I got to see a newborn gorilla be nursed by its mama. Those are all genuine experiences that I got to do because of him and I'm thankful for that. He also opened my eyes up to how I can take better care of the memory of my mother and that's an incredible gift. That's all of him I plan to take with me and the rest gets left behind with the rest of him. I will always be grateful for what he brought into my life, but I know my future has to be better without him because that is what's meant to be.

I had to go out to Melbourne for work today and afterwards I took the non-convenient route by way of the beachside. I went to my old house, sat on the rocks and read a book for a little bit. Then I did something I often do but said something I haven't said in twenty three years I guess. I looked up at the window of my mother's old bedroom, where I made deathbed promises. And I asked for her forgiveness of the promises I haven't been able to keep. I also told her that despite my tears and frustration at times I don't blame her for what has happened to me, that I know she's not trying to throw me under the proverbial bus. And I said the last thing I expected to say.. I looked directly at that window and I said in a full voice, "I love you, mama. I really love you."

What an overwhelming peace there is to say that to her in the present tense. Just because she's not here doesn't mean she doesn't need to hear me tell her I love her. More importantly, I need to hear that I love her. And that love is not in the past tense.

When Good Guys Go Bad

As many know, I've been dating a few guys over the past couple months. It's been overall a very good experience because I've gotten to know some cool people, done some fun things and figured out a little bit more about myself and what I want than I would have otherwise realized. There was one guy who stood out a bit more than the others. In fact, he stood out more than any other guy I've ever dated for the particular chronological stage we were at. Three weeks ago, though, I knew something was wrong and my gut said to walk away. I let the most loving and well-meaning friends tell me to give him a chance. I let one good friend (the only guy who spoke up) advice not roll off my back but rather than act on it I decided to keep it in my pocket and observe. I should have listened to the guy's advice because I'd have saved myself a lot of trouble.

You see, despite a lot of things that happened, this guy ultimately was not crazy about me. While I offered him all the things he wanted out of a partner, I was not good enough. Now, that might not be the case in its entirety, it might be in part his own short comings. I.e., he's lying to me or lying to himself. Either way, we were done romantically. But, could we be friends? The answer at first was an obvious yes until I found out that his feelings for me were not the sort of feelings I consider to have with other guy friends of mine. Which is, I'm a funny entertaining bird to have around and about as attractive to them as Leroy the bartender. I can't be friends with someone who wants to continue to talk to me about intimate things but will still wander around looking for another woman. I have a knack for connecting with people - it's what I do for a living - and the tough part is I make these guys feel that they've found their mama or something and they don't want to let go but nor do they want to stay. Well, in the past I've tried out being that kind of girl friend with miserable results because what happens is I'm focused on his needs rather than mine. I'm done with that.

But the bigger and more important question begs to asked...and no, it's not "Why am I not good enough" (which I do ask in my sadder moments). It's "How the fuck did I end up here AGAIN?"

So I came up with a Dating SOP (that's Standard Operating Procedure" for you non-corporate types).

This is a draft but I think it's worth posting for now. If I update it, I will do so. But I think this is something I need to stick to. I also need to take some advice from some very, very wise women and men I know which is to write that description of what he looks like, who he is and who he will be. So I know what I'm looking for and not negotiating my way to a heartache. With this guy, I did compromise but I ended up finding him attractive and someone I was drawn to. Women are capable of that, but not men. But again, I negotiated myelf into a bad situation so, I won't be doing that again. If I get hurt - and I will again - it won't be because I compromised.

Dating SOP, Version 1.0
Intended Audience: Women over the age of 30, dating via blind date or online or meeting via other means:

1. In email stage, ask him what kind of relationship, how long since his last relationship and how long has he been actively dating. You should know this and be prepared to answer it
2. Why did his last relationship end?
3. 2-3 emails and then give him your number and he has to call. Emails end.
4. Within 2-3 phone calls, no more until you meet face to face
5. After first meeting, ask outright (and not in email) “Do you see any spark or reason to go out again?”
6. If there’s a vague answer, end it. If it’s an emphatic yes and there’s concern in his voice you might not feel the same, go for it.
7. Follow your gut – a second date to confirm unanswered questions is OK, it’s not an engagement to be married
8. If after two dates, you aren’t feeling it or your gut is telling you something is wrong: end it. It’s early enough for no hard feelings and not messy at all

Once you’re officially “dating” but before he tells you how he feels about you:

1. No invites over to your house for any reason or circumstances until he tells you how he feels about you. Your home is your sanctuary and he has no right to be there until he’s earned the right to enter your sanctuary
2. No discussion about mother – it’s private, personal and will either provide false sense of emotional intimacy or will scare him off with “too many issues” as an excuse. Save it for when there’s an established, loving relationship and he’s earned the right to know
3. He pays for everything – period. Why? Because until he speaks up, he’s very likely to do something incredibly selfish and inconsiderate whereas as a woman in your 30’s you’re more likely to be honest with him and yourself. You at least deserve a dinner out of it
4. Aside from a hug or romantic yet friendly-ish kiss (and not the tongue down your throat kind), he is hands off. When his hands come calling (and they will) and things start moving towards sexual advances, find a nice and calm way to cool/off back off and then just ask – where do you see this going? Yep, it’s going to irritate the hell out of him. But if you mean more to him than a present sex partner at that moment, he should be willing to let you know. Then go for it if you want!

Once He’s Said How He Feels:

1. It’s OK to let him in your house
2. It’s OK to let him in your heart, mind, and start talking about what makes you “you” (the good, the bad and the ugly)
3. It’s OK to let him have his way with you as much as you’re comfortable
4. It’s OK to think about the future and where you’d fit in
5. None of that is OK, however if he:
1. Doesn’t call you regularly
2. Doesn’t seem to care if you are coming or going
3. Treats you with disrespect, physical or verbal violence or abuse
4. Doesn’t make plans with you
5. Doesn’t going into panic overdrive if you don’t call him back/available for a date
6. Doesn’t tell you regularly on his own initiative that you’re special to him, beautiful and desired

Summer Samba

It's officially hot outside. Last weekend seemed so long (not in a bad way, of course) and this one is going by so fast.

Friday I was out very late and the next day I was wiped out. The girls came over for brunch and shopping at this event thingie. I entered a raffle and got a call earlier today that I won. I'm not sure what I won yet but I'll head over there later to do that.

I've gotten a ton done today, after spending most of yesterday essentially hung over some how. I started out the day well by downloading Bebel Gilberto off iTunes. Then I went for about an 8 mile bike ride listening to the aforementioned Bebel. It was a great way to spend a sunny Sunday morning, listening to Samba/Bossa Nova tunes, riding around town, stopping to buy a mango at the Farmer's Market before figuring out what to do today.

I was going to go to the beach but then I decided to work in the yard instead. I planted herbs, pulled buckets of weeds, started going through and sorting my grandmother's things in the front room (it's been cluttered for too long now). I also changed my office upstairs a bit - took the glass top off my desk..I just don't like it and prefer the natural wood top now. And I also re-caulked my shower. I could have done a better job but it's good enough for now. I have no idea how I've gotten all this done, but obviously some got done yesterday.

From the 'creative' perspective, I need to work on "Project Lyd" for my grandmother. I also want to make "artwork" by creating some quotes in photoshop and turning them to jpegs I can print out like a photo. I got this idea because I had to remove (with the glass top) some quotes I had stored under the glass. In particular, the quote from Wuthering Heights (the last paragraph of it). I'd like to do a series 5x7's with paragraph quotes from my favorite books. The problem is, I don't know what my favorite books are :-/ The no brainer is Wuthering Heights, of course. Here's the list of favorite books that might be quotable:

Charlottes Web - the Templeton Do This bit? Or the good friend and a good writer?
Little Women - Beth? That would always make me cry though..
The Great Gatsby - Boats against the current, natch
Huckleberry Finn - Am guessing it will be the bit about Huck coming to Tom's window, I used it in a short story once
The Sheltering Sky - Can't decide between tourism/tourist or the treeless plain bit
A Child's Garden of Verses - To Any Reader

Though I like Steinbeck, no quote immediately comes to mind. I could do a bit of Yeats but that seems SO cliche (because it'd be about the carpet/dreams one or Minnaloushe but again, cliche). Dorothy Parker seems like a must-do but again, how cynical should I go? Probably again the one I used in another short story (Midnight I think it's called). I should consider some Hemingway and something from Dorian Gray. Oh I don't know. My friend Kim is having a girl. If I find some way of doing these quotes in photos/art I will do her some Robert Louis Stevenson once I know her theme. It's not going to be a word page printed out, by the way. I intend to use Photoshop and create it.

I also made an incredibly good strip steak for lunch. I snipped herbs from my Italian Herb garden (oregeno, thyme, rosemary, flat leaf parsely) and I used my mezzaluna set to make an herb rub w/ olive oil, crushed garlic and red pepper flakes. It was the bomb - I grilled it over hickory chips which is odd admittedly but it was the only wood I had. I also rolled corn on the cob in the mixture and grilled that too. That was delic! I found this thing online called "Plan Your Menu Mondays" and I thought about doing that and then thought I'm not quite that domesticated yet. Plus, I have to go to Melbourne and Ft Myers this week anyway. Which reminds me! I'm going to go here:

http://www.aureliosofnaples.com/

I plan to get some uncooked pizzas for Mother's Day (for my grandmother).

Then I ended up watching Desk Set on TCM while working on a few projects - a rather sad reminder of everything we are going through at work.

Well enough rambling and time to get back to my projects!! And can't wait to see what I won in the raffle!